Why?

I don’t know what to write.

I’m not sure whether I should talk about Mom’s computer dieing, and her talking about getting a brand new one ASAP because thats “the only thing Lance has up here”. The only thing. He’s miserable she says. Never smiles. never smiles. I remember 8th fucking grade. I remember a second story rooftop. I remember not having hope… I remember giving up. I remember deciding that if other people saw hope where I saw emptiness, there must be a reason. Not a Reason, but a reason. Not some cosmic Purpose, but a logical explanation. Something to sink your teeth into.

And God dammit, I remember my little brother who always smiles. Who can always find a reason to smile. Who was always happy to see his older brother, and tell him about whats going on. He’s like me in so many ways. That makes me even more sad. So shy. Funny and caring, but shy. But seldom is the person who cares enough to notice – even today.

Why did this have to be? Why did my brother have to go from jovial to depressed? And don’t tell me about PLANS. I DON’T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT FSCKING PLANS. Who the fsck would want to torture an innocent 8th grader? Let alone two? Countless?

When did life turn into loathing going to class everyday, and just wanting it all to be over? Loathing going “home”, and wishing you lived away from family? Afraid of running into old friends on the street, or on campus because you haven’t spoken with them in months.

Last night was the first night I’ve ever actually had to turn a girl down. I felt horrible. What made it worse was the fact that its Michelle’s little sister, Lyndsay. There’s a little twist of fate.

So is this what life is going to become now? Living through my own life with its rejections and lack of hope… all while hearing about Lance reliving my life from 7 years ago? I hope he does better than I did. For my sake as well as his.

I should be there. For him. For my little sister. For my mom. Who’s going to frown and Melanie’s boyfriends, while later pulling them aside and telling them where she’s ticklish? I won’t get to watch her grow up. She’s going to be so pretty. She’s not shy, either. I’m sure while she misses everyone, she’s still doing just fine where she is. But Lance. Lance I’m so sorry. I’m probably a terrible older brother.

Here it is, Christmas. Most wonderful time of the year my ass.

And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon,

Little boy blue and the man in the moon.

“When you coming home?” “I don’t know when,

But we’ll get together then.

You know we’ll have a good time then.”

-Harry Chapin

Thursday, December 5th, 2002 Diaryland, La Cajita

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